October 3, 2006

The Gay Agenda

Thanks to a poster over at Table Talk at Salon.com I was directed to this article which reveals, for the first time, the Gay Agenda. You may want to remove your children out of view of the computer screen.

So I decided to talk to a couple of gay people myself to see if they'd reveal to me the Gay Agenda. I confess I did not speak directly to the Head Homosexual, but I did have a chat with some average, everyday queers - friends of mine, actually, but that doesn't mean I have a bias here. I just asked the entirely objective question: What's on the Gay Agenda?

"Let me check," said Carl, as he pulled out his gay little Palm Pilot, which is where he keeps his own Gay Agenda. Here's what it said:

6 a.m. - treadmill in basement for 30 minutes

7 a.m. - eat breakfast (bowl of cereal, orange juice)

8 a.m.-5 p.m. - work

5:30 - hair appointment (well, he is gay, you know)

6 p.m. - dinner with Albert at Mom's

11 p.m. - home, watch Jon Stewart

But I wanted to know the LARGER Gay Agenda. So I asked Ted. And Ted, being just so generously Ted-like, pulled the official Gay Agenda out of his back pocket and showed it to me. It was written on Homosexuals "R" Us letterhead with a decorative rainbow across the top. Here's what it said:

Be left alone and not get the crap beaten out of us.

Do normal things, like get married and raise kids.

Hold down a good job and have health insurance for the whole family.

Grow old together and develop a bit of a paunch or big butt from a few too many marvelous dinners.

Stop having whom we share our bed with be of any interest whatsoever to anyone.

Urge those lovable homophobic pseudo-Christians to discover Jesus' true message.

There are 1,070 days 'til Inauguration 2009.

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